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Suicide is the intentional taking of one’s own life.

Textbook teaching explained that it is caused by mental illnesses like depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia,
personality disorders, and substance abuse. I don’t dispute that but I don’t think those are the only reasons people
kill themselves.

In some situations I believe that older family members kill themselves to not be a burden. Especially in areas or
circumstances where food and other resources are scarce. This is their way of preserving the lives of the young ones.

Strange as this is going to sound some people would rather die than face embarrassment, or consequences for things that
they have been caught doing. In these cases this is a decision that they made in an effort to protect their reputation, as we
will discuss later in this writing.

Everyone whether diagnosed with a mental illness or not has emotions, thoughts, and ideas about how their life should go,
what their responsibility is, and how they plan on handling their life’s ups and downs. So I feel that in this case mental
illness is simply a label being used to soften the blow. It is easy for people to digest…but it is not always that simple.

But let’s be real for a second…we find it totally ok to be physically hurt..a broken arm or leg seems totally normal but a
broken heart or broken spirit somehow gets labeled as mental illness. The same exact way EVERYONE at least once in
their life feels physical pain they will also feel emotional pain; it is part of the cycle of life. Loving, caring, hurting is not
being crazy (mentally insane) it is being human.

Bullying is not a mental illness for the victim. The bully may have a mental illness of some type but the victim is just that a
victim. They may develop depression (which everyone does at one point or another) from the repetitive pain that is inflicted
upon them but they start out normal (whatever that really means in regards to people). Statistics tell me that “Nearly
one-quarter of tenth graders who reported being bullied also reported having made a suicide attempt in the past 12 months,
according to a Washington State Healthy Youth Survey. Half of the 12th graders who reported being bullied also reported
feeling sad and hopeless almost every day for two weeks in a row, according to the Washington State Healthy Youth Survey.
Among 15- to 24-year-olds, suicide is one of the leading causes of death, according to Suicide Awareness Voices for
Education. Additionally, 16 percent of students consider suicide; 13 percent create a plan; and 8 percent have made a serious
attempt. Cyberbullying caused kids to consider suicide more than traditional bullying according to a study in JAMA Pediatrics.”

Now as everyone probably already knows this blog really isn’t about the statistics or mental health.

It has nothing to do with the traditionally taught reasons that people commit suicide but before I go there I am going to
share a testimony.

To look at me now you wouldn’t believe it but I am a survivor of a suicide attempt. I attempted suicide more than once to
be quite honest. My belief (which you are not obligated to share) is that I am here today by God’s grace, He was not done
with me – it was not my time to die according to His time clock so He sustained my life.

Attempt 1: I was a 17 year old college student, recently married. On the outside it looked like I had it all together;
but I didn’t. Strangely, I wasn’t sad and the pain of my childhood was numb it had nothing to do with that. I was tired.
I felt like I never slept. I had horrible nightmares (or at least at the time I thought they were nightmares) and I was tired.
See at that time in my life I had survived and overcome things some true adults hadn’t even imagined. I mentally and
physically felt like I was much older than I actually was and was very, very tired. The definition of tired on Dictionary.com
states “1. enervated. Tired, exhausted, fatigued, wearied, weary suggest a condition in which a large part of one’s energy and vitality has been consumed. One who is tired has used up a considerable part of his or her bodily or mental resources:”;
that was exactly how I felt. Tired is not depressed, it is not schizophrenic, it is just what it says tired. Everything I had been
taught about death told me that it was eternal sleep, no pain, no responsibility. Now I will admit that though my personality
disorder was not the cause of the attempt it did play a part in me not considering others while in the decision making process;
at that time in my life there was no one I was attached to so what they thought or felt was irrelevant to me. So I wait until I
am home alone and I take a full bottle of Tylenol. I am really not sure what happened next but I woke up in the ambulance
profusely vomiting. My ex husband had poured so much coffee into me while waiting for the ambulance that it was all I
could smell. Up until the last 4-5 years the smell of coffee made me literally sick to my stomach. The counselors tried to
convince me that my subconscious mind wanted to die because of my mother but I was fully aware of my emotions and
feelings toward that situation; my desire to hurt others directly stemmed from the situation with my mother. Never did I
want to hurt myself or I would have used a gun, knife, walked in front of a car or something painful. I was simply tired
and didn’t want to do anything that I currently had going on anymore. I had a counselor that I saw regularly, a husband,
a mother in law that adored me, friends and a decent life, it was no one else fault due to them not listening to me or hugging
me …none of that. In fact, that was just another thing that I was tired of it wasn’t like they understood anyway so why they
insisted on talking to me was beyond my comprehension. I was simply tired. The most common question that I am asked is
“what could I possibly have been tired of at such a young age?” I am the child of a heroin addicted mother (may her soul
have eternal rest), the oldest child. I learned to cook, wash dishes, and baby sit between the ages of 6-7. The step stool was
my best friend; to avoid being punished I used it for everything. I suffered an identity crisis based on the double life I lived
sometimes a suburbanite; other times a ghetto child. I left home at 15 yrs. old surviving on my own until getting married at
17. I was tired of being grown, tired of taking the weight, and tired of always having to figure it out. I was tired of being
married. I was tired of everyone sitting back waiting for me to become my mother. I WAS TIRED.

I am thankful that God stopped my attempt; there are so many things that I would have missed. I didn’t understand then
what I fully understand now and that was that I have purpose; the things I was going through then was preparing me for
what I would do later. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord thought of peace
and not evil, to give you an expected end.

Attempt 2: Fibroids have been a part of my life for quite some time partnered with excessively heavy and gruesomely
long menstrual cycles some lasting up to 30 days. This was negatively impacting my health in other areas, mainly I was
extremely anemic. In 2002 the OB/GYN I was visiting at the time suggested I try the nuvaring. It may work for some but
it was the worse mistake I could have made in my life. The first month I loved it, I hadn’t had an normal cycle in so long
that I was not paying attention to that fact that I was moodier than normal. By the end of month two my moods were on a
pendulum that seemed to never stop swinging. I was cursing, I was crying, I was laughing sometimes all at the same time.
The beginning of month three I began to feel like people were always plotting against me. I had times that I wanted to hurt my ex husband really bad. Out of fear that I would inadvertently hurt my kids I began locking myself in my room away from the world. I had no idea what was happening to me. I called the EAP line and they told me I needed to talk to a doctor and get medication for how I was feeling. I didn’t want to go and I refused to believe I needed pills so I didn’t comply, looking back now it is clear to me pills would have only worsened the situation. One night I heard a voice tell me that my ex husband was evil and was plotting to kill me. I tried to hammer him. As quickly as I become enraged; I became sad. The next night while my ex husband was out of town picking up the artist we promoted, I came to the conclusion that something was wrong with me. Not knowing what was going on other than I felt like a Jekyll and Hyde I decided I needed to stop myself to ensure that I never hurt my children.  I had a bottle of Darvocet in the drawer, I figured that if I took them I would fall asleep and never wake up. No noise, no mess, no drama. During the process my mood swings the last thing I remember before passing out is being on the phone crying, God only knows what I said but I woke up to my ex husband, a puddle of puke, and the horrid smell of coffee. It was a few days before I was functional, I slept mostly and when I was woke I thought I was dead because I seemed to not be able to hear anything going on around me. When I was functional again my mother-in-law asked me what was going on, what was different? What meds and what type of birth control was I on? I told her; she told me take the ring out asap. After removing the ring it took almost a month for my hormones to balance out. God sustained me not because of anything great I did but because of His greatness, for that I am thankful.

Now you may be reading this saying this attempt was based on mental illness…. but what actually happened is this. The
Nuvaring’s ingredients were maybe too strong, but definitely were not compatible with my hormonal balance and threw
them off completely. This is technically called a hormonal imbalance; commonly mistaken for a mental illness and
misdiagnosed. It was not the manufacturer’s  fault, or even the doctor’s fault it just didn’t work for me. It could have
killed me, had I died in the attempt everyone would be saying “Mental illness awareness”, “Someone should have
hugged her”, “I never knew she was hurting” never knowing that it was the birth control.

I share these testimonies so that people understand the other side of suicide. It is difficult to get a grasp on something
if you don’t understand the real reason. There are more reasons than depression, loneliness, and mental illness. Research
and know the facts and try not put everyone in a box.

With everything under the sun there is a scientific explanation and a spiritual explanation.

Now let’s talk about it from a spiritual perspective. Is suicide a spirit?

Suicide is not new; it may have become the trending topic due to the recent celebrity deaths but suicide has always been
around. There are several scriptures in the Bible that discuss suicide.

  • 1 Samuel 31:3-5 speaks of King Saul committing suicide after being defeated by the enemy.
  • 1 Samuel 31:5 speaks of Saul’s armor bearer committing suicide.
  • Judges 16:25-30 speaks of how to destroy the temple and kill the Philistines Samson also killed himself.
  • Judges 9:50-55 speaks of Abimelech asking his armor bearer to kill him so history would not reflect that he was
    killed by a woman.

Reading the stories surrounding the incidents they were more related to pride or revenge than mental illness. Basic human
emotion nothing treatable with medication.

So let’s look at a few things. We know that the biggest battles are all fought in your mind. The enemy finds the things that
will hit you below the belt and start there. Though scientist consider it mental illness on the flip side to the coin it is
spiritual warfare. Depression, schizophrenia,  low self esteem, none of these things are actually cured by medications
they are simply sedated. Once the sleepiness or the high wears off the mental state is still there.

Once you come to the realization that the cartoon with the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other is a depiction
of what really happens in our minds; then you will be on track to gaining control of your thoughts.

Death being a spirit is made clear in scripture.

  • Revelation 9:6 And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall
    “FLEE” from them.
  • Proverbs 13:14 The law of the wise is a fountain of life, to depart the snares of death.
  • Revelation 6:8 And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death….

So just from a totally human standpoint I would assume that if it can ride a horse, entrap someone, and flee but you can not
see it with physical eyes, then it is a spirit. Suicide is a cause of death if successful or a catalyst for change if it fails.
Because there are so many roots causes for suicide I would be inclined to safely assume it is a spirit in the death family.
Definitely a mind bending, deceptive spirit because it uses weak area of the minds to plant it’s seeds.

So what if we tried battling mental illnesses and suicidal thoughts with prayer?

Because what I now realize about my first attempt is that it was selfish, vain even; I was only thinking about me and how
mentally tired I was. But what about the people who loved me, needed me, depended on me…I had no regard for them.

2 Corinthians 10: 3-5 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: for the weapons of our warfare are not
carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds; Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that
exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.

There have been mass suicides because people were trying to be martyrs, or because someone deceptively told them that
was the thing to do. Some have been tricked into suicide not knowing that the food or drink they were being offered
contained poison.

Never forget that there is a thin line between suicide and murder in some cases.

Whatever the reason and whether the person actually dies or survived the attempt, let’s stop being so quick to jump to
conclusions, judge, blame their family and friends, and throw the mental illness card on the table, or even worse the ultimate
sinner label. The families have enough to deal with with one adding any of that to the situation.

Sending prayers of closure, comfort and peace to all those who have lost a loved one to suicide.

Sending prayers of healing and deliverance to those who may have thought about or attempted suicide.

Sending prayers of hope and encouragement to those battling the suicidal thoughts now, remember you are special,
you are not alone and that God doesn’t make mistakes your life has purpose.

I use to wonder “Why Me?” Now I know why.

2 Corinthians 4:4 reads “In whom the god of this world hath blinded the minds of them which believe not lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ , who is in the image of God , should shine unto them.”    The masses follow the trends and what is made priority in the media, most often without question. There is always a chance that it didn’t happen the way it was reported. Imagine this….What if the celebrities that you heard committed suicide really just died in the sleep of natural causes because it was simply their God appointed time; and because there appeared to be no explanation it was reported to the masses as suicide. Or if to increase the budget or increase the number of people seeking help for mental illness because of a dwindling number of people being treated resulting in a drop in income in that field it was reported that way to drive numbers. Now, I am not saying that is the case BUT I encourage you to think, research, learn because one thing for sure everything is not always what it seems.